Transformers: Dark of the Moon Review

In my very first review for this website, I got slated in the comments for expressing the opinion that Michael Bay’s involvement in the film – the Nightmare on Elm Street remake – did not bode well for its success. Miserable blog worm and moron I may be, but I think history has proven me right with regard to that film.

My dislike of Michael Bay makes writing this review a tricky thing. On the one hand, it’s important that whilst keeping an open mind, I have to be honest about what I thought of a film. On the other, I have to recognise that whilst some directors are not for me, they do have their fans and their films to some degree must be judged from a fan’s point of view.

So anyway, Transformers 3. The first film was watchable, if utterly disposable. The second, in my view, was a genuinely poorly made, hash of a film that was at times, downright offensive.Bay himself has acknowledged its poor quality, so the gauntlet was really thrown down to make something worthwhile out of this third film.

It actually starts out rather promisingly. Like in the recent X-Men prequel, we’re treated to an alternate slice of sixties history in the prologue, in which it is revealed that the space race to land on the moon was prompted by an alien ship crash-landing on it. The ship was from Transformer-land and carries with it a secret weapon as well as an infamous war hero. The moon landing recreations and neat use of stock footage tootle along quite merrily until the scene changes, an underwear model’s arse is thrust into the screen, asinine soft-rock starts pumping from the speakers and lo and behold, the charisma black hole that is Shia La Beouf is poncing around for all to see, doing his annoying ‘lovable’ berk shtick and we realise we’re right back to square one.

To be fair, it would be remiss to say Transformers: Dark of the Moon is anywhere near as awful as number two. For one thing – and here’s something I’m surprised to admit – the 3D actually improves things. Instead of the nauseating speed of light editing that blighted the first two films, the medium actually encourages Bay to hold a shot for more than a millisecond, meaning it’s actually possible to see what the hell is happening, a revolutionary step forward for Michael. The first third or so of the film isn’t too bad, if you can ignore the seriously weak attempts at humour and Shia La Beouf’s god-awful parents. The robot battles are short and to the point and the pace is such that things don’t get too dull. And it should also be said that for all his faults, Bay can actually compose a shot or two when he feels like it.

But the few minor glimmers of decency in the film are way over-shadowed by the many, many, faults it has, including: the muddled plot, the awful dialogue, the vom-inducing soundtrack, Shia La Beouf’s inability to act, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s inability to act, the fact that it’s two and half hours long, that cool actors such as Alan Tudyk, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich turn up to embarrass themselves, the misogynist and xenophobic undertones, the fact that it’s two and a half hours long, the questionably judged violence that they can sell to kids because it’s CGI robots doing it, whereas if it were people, the film would be an 18 certificate and that it’s painfully unfunny. And staggeringly dull. The final battle sequence lasts for what seems like an hour and I was bored rigid after about fifteen minutes of it.

Transformers I guess, is kind of like the Hulk in some ways. Both are fine in a comic medium, but put them on screen without even a soupcon of irony and they fall desperately flat. I really don’t want to come across as a snob here – I love balls-out action films like Die Hard, Speed or even Bad Boys – but I simply don’t see why big action blockbusters can’t be made with brains and heart as well as big explosions. Transformers: Dark of the Moon has plenty of the latter but none of the former. If a sophomore director such as Duncan Jones can pull this trick off with the modestly-budgeted Source Code, I see no reason why Bay, with his years of experience and countless bags of cash cannot. I’m assuming some people will knock me for not being a Transformers fan; well I may not get any pleasure from the robots in disguise anymore, but I played with the toys as a child and I even had a small collection of the comics. If you are fan, honestly, you deserve better than this rubbish.