Setup Review

It is a fine and sunny day in Los Angeles, just like every day in Los Angeles, a sprawling metropolis testament to human ambition and resolute failure. Somewhere downtown, a broad-shouldered rapper-cum-actor emerges from an SUV and approaches a non-descript building. He nods at the receptionist then takes the lift to the fourth floor. Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson strolls into his agent’s office, the world at his feet and creativity oozing from his every pore.

“Fiddy!” shrieks his agent, a small, balding and tanned white man. “How can I help my favourite client today?”

Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson sits in a chair opposite his agent’s desk and eyeballs the man for a few seconds before speaking in articulate and measured tones. “Lenny. I need to do another movie.”

Lenny sighs and draws hard on his cigarette. “Fiddy, I have nothing but respect for your work, for your art, for your vision; but, and I say this with love: the world does not need, want or could possibly even tolerate you appearing in another feature film.”

The pair stare at each other across the desk. The silence is unbearable. In the distance, a police siren sounds. Eventually Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson cocks his head to the side. Such is the understanding between these two long-time partners, Lenny understands this simple gesture to mean, ‘please Lenny, elaborate on that for me’.

Exhaling once again, Lenny continues. “Listen Fiddy, it’s not that the public didn’t like Get Rich or Die Tryin’, or Dead Man Running or, ahem, Gun, it’s just that they’re lousy movies and the longer you spend trying to convince people that you’re an actor, the more you look like a goddamn putz. Why don’tcha make a new album, or try something new like oil painting or something. Hell, make another videogame. Anything. You’re a lot of things Fiddy, but an actor you ain’t.”

Curtis ‘50 Cent’ Jackson ponders this. “Lenny, I respect you too, but this is just something I’ve got to do.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I do, I’ve already signed a contract. I’m producing too.”

“Ah jeez. What’s this one gonna be like then?”

“It’s called Setup. I play a violent criminal, whom the audience is expected to sympathise with. My gang steals some diamonds but we’re betrayed by a member of the gang with whom I’ve been friends since childhood, played by Ryan Phillippe. I spend the rest of the film trying to track him down. There’s gonna be a whole mess of misguided religious undertones, which will feel weird and unnecessary. It’s gonna be a pretty bog-standard gangster flick, you know? That’s what I’m aiming for: inoffensive, but painfully average. There’s gonna be some vaguely screwball elements like something out of a Tarantino or Coen Brothers film, but with none of the class or panache of either. Also, Bruce Willis will feature as another horrible gangster and even though it will be nice to see him looking like he’s having a little bit of fun, it won’t be anywhere near enough to make the film worth watching.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah.”

Lenny sits back and lights another cigarette. “I’m sorry Fiddy. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as all that.”

“It already is. It’s going straight to DVD.”

“Ah jeez.”

“It gets worse. I got five more films in various stages of production.”

“Ah jeez!”

“How did it come to this Lenny?”

“I don’t know man. I just don’t know.”

The two men are silent once more. A cool breeze blows through the streets of LA. The earth turns on its axis. And life goes on.
___

The above might be based on possible events that could have happened.